Who would Jesus torture?

The other day, some disturbing information came to my attention. The Pew Forum, an organization that studies the relationship between religion and public policy, conducted a study that examined individuals' comfort level with torture vs. the regularity with which they attend church, and the type of church they attend. While not particularly surprising, the results are unsettling, to say the least:


What this poll makes clear to me is that evangelical Protestants, who are the most likely group to believe that torture can sometimes or often be justified, are not as Bible-savvy as they might think. I cannot for the life of me, however, figure out why 19% of Catholics think that torture "can often be justified." Here is a religion that, for all its flaws, prides itself on education (both spiritual and otherwise). We were never taught anything in Catholic school that would lead us to believe that torture was ever OK. I'd imagine the kids in Sunday school were taught similar things. Where, then, does this rationale come from? I can only conclude that this whole thing has more to do with party alliance than religion (though the two are inextricably and disturbingly linked).

This is not the way we are supposed to treat one another. There is nothing in the New Testament that justifies torture of anyone. In fact, Jesus speaks pretty plainly about the ways we should behave not just to our friends, but to our enemies, in his sermon on the mount.

Matthew 5:38-39 says:

You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Matthew 5:43-48 says:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

We are called, not just as Christians, but as human beings, to treat each other in a dignified and loving way. It's not always easy, and it doesn't always happen, but it's very important for us to try. And as for torture, it should be a no-brainer. A "Christian Nation", as the crazies like to call it, would not engage in such an act. I think it's pretty clear WTF Jesus would do.

UPDATE: My friend Dave made me this:


It's a priest waterboarding a prisoner! Yay!

Pope Tells Pelosi to Quit Killing Babies

When I hear of someone who is a "Roman Catholic who supports abortion rights,"I get this warm, fuzzy feeling on the inside. Catholics, I think, get a really bum rap, mostly due to the fact that some Catholics are total dipshits. These dipshit Catholics seem to be a lot louder than the rest of them/us (I never know whether or not to include myself since I'm obviously hella lapsed) and make it look like they're/we're all a bunch of dipshits. Not so.

The beauty of Catholicism is that there's a lot of leg room, really. I've got plenty of stories of devout Catholics who don't take the whole Catholic thing too seriously (like the priest who once told my dad that whether or not Jesus actually existed was irrelevant and what mattered was the message). I mean, why not just be yourself when you can just go to confession? Purgatory can't be worse than this stupid life, right? And really, there's no reason to let your belief in God get in the way of logic. Except that lots of people do it. Anyway...

The point is, Pope Nazipants the Dickth told Nancy Pelosi that Catholics in public office should be defending the lives of all those poor little fetuses, and she was all "I'm honoured to meet you, but you can fuck yourself on that one, dickwad*." And that's pretty dope of her. Thanks, Pelosi.

In other news, here's the ONLY quote in the bible that even hints at the idea of life beginning at conception (Exodus 21:22):

If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine.

It's fair, I think, to look at the New International Version of this passage, just so it makes a little more sense:

If men who are fighting hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman's husband demands and the court allows.

So yeah, you're kicking some dude's ass, and you somehow kick his wife's ass, and she was pregnant but now she's not thanks to you, but she's still totally fine, but you still have to pay her husband whatever he wants, so abortion is wrong. Did I follow that correctly?

I think most people would agree that causing someone to miscarry in an act of violence (I'm looking at you, Rhett Butler) is different from voluntarily getting the big A. Either way, though, I'm inclined to just disregard the whole thing. I mean, just after the verse we just read, we've got Exodus 22:24, which says:

Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot

Sound familiar? If you went to Catholic school like I did, it sure as hell will. This is the famous guiding Old Testament principle that Jesus did away with in his sermon on the mount. Observe Matthew 5:38-39:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

So they don't really have a good case for the whole anti-abortion thing there. Of course they do also make the claim that Jesus' life began with the announcement of his conception and therefore all of our lives do the same, but that logic is so flawed I don't know where to begin. First of all, if you're going to insist on believing that that whole thing with God knocking up a virgin really happened, you can easily make the jump to saying it's a special case. I mean, we're not all the spawn of a most holy union between God and woman. We're just douchebags made out of regular old sperm. And while a super-human God baby would obviously have to be born, the rest of us are kind of dispensable. And really, I think whether or not a fetus is a baby is primarily dependent on whether or not whomever it's stuck in plans on giving birth to it. I do, however, think it's fair on the part of Christians to believe that life starts at conception. I just don't think it's fair for them to try to force it on the rest of us. It's a grey area at best, guys, so chill.

Oh, and Pope Nazipants, WTFWJD?

*Not a direct quote.