Obama's a Douche! Condoms Give You AIDS! I Want My Mom! Waaaaaa!!!!!

While scouring the Internet for the best, most offensive stories of Christans being douchebags, I came across a little gem from the Collins Report. Before we get in to it, however, I think we should address the question that's clearly on everyone's mind: what is the Collins Report? Well, gentle readers, you'll be glad to know that I have no idea. I tried to do some research to see if anyone had said anything about said Collins Report, but apparently it exists mainly in it's own little fishbowl, with some brief mentions from other neo-conservative blogs.

Here's what I do know:
1. It's written by some guy who calls himself "Coach."
2. He frequently calls Barney Frank a "pig" (kind of ironic, considering "Coach" used to be a cop).
3. He claims that "Obamacare" will lead to a "rationing of health care as is done in Canada."*

That's as far as I got before I felt as though I had learned enough. So, without further delay, from the Collins Report:

Democrats like to say “A fish rots from the head down.” Where are they now that Harry Knox, a militant homosexual advisor to Obama, has once again attacked the Catholic Church?

Knox, Obama’s Faith Based Advisor, has renewed his attack on Pope Benedict XVI charging he is trying to use the name of Jesus to hurt people by stating that condoms increase the spread of AIDS in Africa; as if they don’t.

Just another Gay activist willing to lie

To the pseudo religious Left condoms are a sacrament they’ll go to war to defend.
In the “oh so suave and sophisticated” world of Obama, and those he surrounds himself with, it’s not politically correct to ever challenge the effectiveness of condoms because they provide the type of hedonistic non-judgmental freedom that is at the very core of their lifestyle.

The “Beautiful people” will never admit it but condoms had a very serious failure rate of over 30% in a University of Texas report. The study was an examination of eleven independent surveys whose findings went beyond a mathematical failure rate to an explanation of why the failures happen.

Wow. All right, Coach. Let's have a chat about 'facts.'

FACT: "Gay" does not need to be capitalized.

FACT: The Pope is a douche.

FACT: You cannot construct a sentence.

FACT: Condoms protect against HIV.


Let's expand on that last fact, shall we? I mean, just because I have a blog doesn't mean I'm any kind of certifiable expert on anything. In fact, there are very few questions I can answer without doing some research. Luckily for my readers, however, I know how to find unbiased sources. With all that in mind, here's the official plain language summary of that study you cited (unless you're talking about another one done by University of Texas' branch of Campus Crusaide for Christ):

Sexual intercourse and contact with contaminated blood products (e.g., intravenous drug use) account for the majority of HIV infections. The wearing of condoms during sexual intercourse has been promoted to reduce the infection and spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as HIV. The review of studies found that condoms, when used consistently, substantially reduced HIV infection but did not totally eliminate the risk of infection.

As it turns out, Coach, condoms are about 85% effective in preventing the spread of HIV among heterosexual couples. If my calculations are correct, that makes them 85% more effective than unprotected sex, which is what Pope Nazipants told Africa to have (albeit monogomously, like that's realistic. Oh look! An entire continent full of monogomous people! How quaint!). Nope, the fact of the matter is that just because you don't want condoms to work doesn't mean they don't. They do. They're awesome. Sex is fun.

Exodus 20:16 says:

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

Psalm 5:6 says:

You destroy those who tell lies;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men
the LORD abhors.

Proverbs 24:28 says:

Do not testify against your neighbor without cause,
or use your lips to deceive.

1 Peter 3:10 says:

For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.

I think you get the picture. Lying is wrong. It says so in the Bible. You can check it if you don't believe me. WTFWJD?

*I lived in Canada for much of my life, and witnessed no rationing of healthcare. FYI.

WTF Would Jesus Pray For?

From gather.com:

Pastor Wiley Drake, a Southern Baptist pastor from Buena Park, California, says he is praying for Barack Obama's death.

He says his prayers request that God smite Obama "with—among other things—plagues, death, and eternal damnation."

He explained to Religion News Service: "That doesn’t mean I spend every waking hour praying for the death of the president. Of our prayers, 98 percent should be good prayers and 2 percent should be imprecatory."

"Imprecatory prayer" is a theological term for praying that bad things happen to bad people.

Pastor Drake's confession about his prayers for Barack Obama's death "came after Kansas abortionist George Tiller was gunned down in church. That killing, Drake said, was an answer to his prayers."

Well... Huh. I tried to find something about prayer percentages in the Bible, but I guess I must have missed it. I assume it's in there, though, since Southern Baptists reject Tradition in favor of Scriptural loyalty. God knows they wouldn't just go around making shit up. There are, of course, instances of "imprecatory" prayer in the Bible, but they are all in the Old Testament. Jesus Christ makes his opinion on prayer pretty clear.

Matthew 6:5-15 says:

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.' For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

I don't know where you get this stuff, Pastor Drake. WTFWJD?

Catholics vs. Obama vs. Notre Dame vs. My Sanity

OK, Catholics, I will give you $10 to stop pissing me off. I can't tell you how much I want to bitch about OTHER Christian denominations. But it's always you these days. What the fuck is your problem? I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM ONE OF YOU.

Moving on... Notre Dame has asked President Obama to speak at their commencement ceremony, and will be presenting him with an honorary law degree. True to form, the Catholic wackos take umbrage with this, and have started a petition to the president of the university in the hope of preventing it.

(From notredamescandal.com)

Dear Father Jenkins:

It has come to our attention that the University of Notre Dame will honor President Barack Obama as its commencement speaker on May 17.

It is an outrage and a scandal that “Our Lady’s University,” one of the premier Catholic universities in the United States, would bestow such an honor on President Obama given his clear support for policies and laws that directly contradict fundamental Catholic teachings on life and marriage.

This nation has many thousands of accomplished leaders in the Catholic Church, in business, in law, in education, in politics, in medicine, in social services, and in many other fields who would be far more appropriate choices to receive such an honor from the University of Notre Dame.

Instead Notre Dame has chosen prestige over principles, popularity over morality. Whatever may be President Obama’s admirable qualities, this honor comes on the heels of some of the most anti-life actions of any American president, including expanding federal funding for abortions and inviting taxpayer-funded research on stem cells from human embryos.

The honor also comes amid great concern among Catholics nationwide about President Obama’s future impact on American society, the family, and the Catholic Church on issues such as traditional marriage, conscience protections for Catholic doctors and nurses, and expansion of abortion “rights.”

This honor is clearly a direct violation of the U.S. bishops’ 2004 mandate in “Catholics in Political Life”: “The Catholic community and Catholic institutions should not honor those who act in defiance of our fundamental moral principles. They should not be given awards, honors or platforms which would suggest support for their actions.”

We prayerfully implore you to halt this travesty immediately. We do so with the hope that Catholics nationwide will likewise call on you to uphold the sacred mission of your Catholic university. May God grant you the courage and wisdom to do what is right.

Jenkins, in his announcement of the decision to have President Obama speak, made it very clear that "the invitation of President Obama to be our Commencement speaker should in no way be taken as condoning or endorsing his positions on specific issues regarding the protection of life, such as abortion and embryonic stem cell research." That's apparently irrelevant though, as people are still pissed. The hypocrisy here is pretty amazing, but has already been laid out more eloquently than I could probably do it. Check it (from The Observer):

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops 2004 statement, "Catholics and Political Life," states that Catholic institutions, like Notre Dame, "should not honor those who act in defiance of our fundamental and moral principles," and that those who do "should not be given awards, honors or platforms which would suggest support for their actions."

On May 17, I will be honored with a Bachelor's Degree from Notre Dame. In my four years attending this university I have been awarded with over $100,000 in scholarships and financial aid from Notre Dame, and have always been offered a platform to speak my mind, as I would in any credible University. On the day that I graduate, President Obama will be presented with an honorary law degree from Notre Dame and have the privilege to be the Class of 2009's Commencement speaker. Both Barack Obama and I have acted in defiance of the Church's fundamental and moral principles in the past, but no one is protesting me receiving my degree.

The idea that by inviting President Obama to deliver the commencement address, Notre Dame is in any way supporting his position on abortion is ludicrous. In presenting him this honor, Notre Dame is rewarding him for his achievements, just as Notre Dame will be rewarding me for mine. There is no Catholic litmus test to decide whether you are fit for this honor. Notre Dame has a long history of presenting this honor to people who have in opposition to the Catholic Church, from General Sherman in 1865, whose total war strategies in his "March to the Sea" clearly violate the Catholic standards of jus in bello, to President George W. Bush, who as governor of Texas presided over 155 executions. I'm willing to bet that the pro-life activists who are turning this event into a scandal were silent when President George W. Bush delivered the commencement speech eight years ago. Which leads to me to believe that this protest movement has nothing to do with "protecting Notre Dame's Catholic identity" and everything to do with politics.

I have no problem with staging a political protest. It's our right as Americans to do so. What I do have a problem with is hypocrisy. If you disagree with Obama's politics, you have the right to stage a political protest, but don't turn it into something it's not. Don't hide behind the Church unless you plan to protest every speaker we have in the future that does not conform to Catholic principles. You are staging a political protest, nothing more.

The American Catholic Church, which is one of the most conservative wings of the Catholic Church (though obviously not as bad as Brazil), really needs to stop seeing abortion as the only issue ever. The Church believes abortion is murder. Fine, whatever. Then they need to treat all murder equally. The problem is, of course, that Pope Nazipants has made it very clear that he believes abortion to be the worst kind of murder, and will allow all sorts of injustices on the part of the Church in support of that crazy claim. It will be interesting to see if the Vatican will have anything to say on this situation, although I think it likely they'll be keeping their mouths shut until everyone forgets how mad they are at them for all the other shit they've already said.

This goes beyond the commonly-made claim that the Catholic Church only cares about you until you are born. The fact is that the Catholic Church as an institution does not value women. Birth control, access to abortion - these things are good for women, and these things are banned within the Church. Furthermore, the Vatican all too recently proclaimed that anyone involved in the ordination of a female priest would be excommunicated. So female ordination = excommunication, abortion = excommunication. Mark my words, friends, it won't be long before going on the pill = excommunication. This is not about the Bible. It is not about Christ. It's not about dogma or the sacraments or Tradition with a capital 'T'. This is about women and a bunch of old, sexually frustrated men's effort to keep us from being relevant as anything but chalices into which for that oh-so-sacred sperm can be poured.

John 20:10-18 says:

Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"

"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary."
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'"

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her.

Could women really be so insignificant if Jesus chose to reveal Himself to one upon His return from the dead? Are we really so naive that we do not count Mary Magdalene among the Apostles? This is the 21st century. Patriarchy is dead in the west. It's about time the Catholic Church caught up. WTFWJD?