Oh, so THAT'S why the volcano erupted!

So, you may have noticed that this giant* volcano in Iceland exploded and stranded everyone who belongs elsewhere in Europe (including my family. I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!), and everyone who belongs in Europe Elsewhere. Luckily for us, however, we have some insight as to why something like this could have happened. Read on...

From the International Reporter:

Dr. Raj Baldev, Cosmo Theorist, further said, “It is a warning to the human being that too much materialism and ignoring faith in God in any form directly or indirectly or through Nature, had made the basic elements to get annoyed on the uncalled for behavior of human beings, and as a result all natural problems are cropping up one after the other, particularly at this stage when there is a serious problem of Global Warming."

From the Times Online:

Is God angry with Europe? The answer, yes – and the evidence, the Icelandic volcano – or so claims the grandly titled Association of Orthodox Expers.

They see the ash cloud, reports Interfax, as a “menacing sign of God” but the jury is out on the web as to why.

The Association gives two possible explanations – the Nazis – or at least their brand of Aryan “neo-paganism”, a centre has just opened in Iceland, and the usual scapegoat, homosexuality.

“Is it possible that once Christian Europe has forgotten the Holy Scripture and the destiny of Sodom and Gomorrah,” they ask.

From Rush Limbaugh:

“You know, a couple of days after the health care bill had been signed into law, Obama ran around all over the country saying, “Hey, you know, I’m looking around. The earth hadn’t opened up. No Armageddon out there. The birds are still chirping.

I think the earth has opened up. God may have replied. This volcano in Iceland has grounded more airplanes – airspace has more affected – than even after 9/11 because of this plume, because of this ash cloud over Northern and Western Europe. … It’s got everybody just in a shutdown. Earth has opened up. I don’t know whether it’s a rebirth or Armageddon. Hopefully it’s a rebirth, God speaking…”

From HuffPo:

A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes. . . .

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes," Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was quoted as saying by Iranian media. Sedighi is Tehran's acting Friday prayer leader.

From the Economist:

ICELAND has a lot of volcanoes, and it’s a rare decade where one of them doesn’t erupt. So why is the eruption of Eyjafjallajokull causing such chaos, and what does that mean for the future? The answer to the first question is that the Eyjafjallajokull eruption is peculiarly well attuned to messing with air travel; most eruptions of a similar size would do a lot less long-distance harm. The answer to the second is that less well attuned but considerably larger eruptions are all but certain in decades to come. . . .

As these volcanoes go, Eyjafjallajokull is not a very big one. It is, however, particularly good at producing fine-grained ash — the sort of stuff that can hang in the air for days—and it has done so at a time when weather conditions have allowed that ash to be spread to the south east, in a slightly clumpy way, through a great deal of European sky.

The fineness of the ash is, says Thorvaldur Thordarson, an Icelandic volcanologist, unusual. Ash particles are normally in the 50-100 micron (0.05 to 0.1 millimetre) range. But at a site 50km east of the eruption, 24% of the ash falling to the ground was in the form of particles 10 microns or less in size. Studies of ash captured from the air show that for every one of the largest particles (about 300 microns) there are a million or more in the 2 micron range. So though the total volume of the eruption, put at about 0.14 cubic kilometres, is low, the amount of ash capable of travelling long distances is high.

Two factors are contributing to the fineness of the ash. One is the composition of the lava. The more viscous lava is, the harder it is for gases within it to bubble out, so such lava has an explosive tendency. Eyjafjallajokull’s lava is, by Icelandic standards, quite viscous. The other factor is the presence of water. Putting molten lava into direct contact with water or ice also leads to explosions, which again lead to fine dust. A small ice cap on top of Eyjafjallajokull has promoted such shenanigans.

Seriously, who do those crap journalists at the Economist think they are? Obviously, the eruption was caused by God being mad about sluts, health care, gays, neo-Nazis, paganism, materialism and global warming. DUH!

The Economist sucks.**

*Yes, I know that Eyjafjallajokull is not actually all that giant. I just like the sound of a giant volcano exploding.

**By "sucks," I mean "is the best magazine of all time."

Vatican to Beatles: I forgive you!

Beatles to Vatican: fuck off!

(This is probably the coolest thing Ringo has ever done, not that that's saying much.)

You just got saved!

This is really old...

...but Jesus Christ (via parentdish).

A video game about a Christian militia slaughtering Jewish and atheist New Yorkers who won't be converted in the name of a particular brand of Christianity will be on the shelves of more than 10,000 American retailers in time for the Christmas season, including Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Target, Circuit City, GameStop, EB Games, CompUSA, Amazon.com, Costco and numerous others. The video game is a spinoff of the wildly successful collaborative novels about "the rapture" by conservative fundamentalist minister Tim Lahaye and the guy who used to write the dialogue for the Gil Thorpe comic strip, Jerry Jenkins.

In Left Behind: Eternal Forces, kids will assume the role of a member of a "Christian" gang wandering the streets of a post-apocalyptic Manhattan, killing or converting as many Jews, Atheists, and other unsavory types in the employ of the Anti-Christ as possible to get to the next level. If the heathen won't convert, the character can kill them. The company is offering a free demonstration model to churches. "We see it as a beacon of light that could shine in the dark world of video games," said Jerome Mikulich, "director of outreach ministries" for the company. "The most important thing is that it helps kids realize there is power in the spirit world, and that by praying they can endure and get through their real-life situations." Praying, and putting a shotgun in the mouth of Jews. Just like all those chapters in the gospel where Jesus preaches that the way to salvation is busting a cap into the ass of those who won't convert.

Well, sometimes it be like damn. I've got a great Bible verse for these guys. Exodus 20:13 says:

You shall not murder.

That's right, guys. Learn it; live it; love it. Jeeze. WTFWJD?

Sometimes having a blog is really great...

...because it means I can do things I would otherwise consider to be too lame. Let me explain.

Yesterday I got an email from someone named Sarah, who wanted to know why some Christians waste their time blaming other people (Jews, mostly) for the death of Christ when they should instead be busy being good people like Jesus said. My response was long, and I thought it was a pretty fun question to answer, and then the whole thing got me thinking about that stupid formspring.me website that everyone I know who is lame is on. Now, the 15-year-old within me is drawn to a website where people can ask each other questions anonymously (in case you don't know lame people and therefore haven't heard of formspring), but the rest of me, who is old and has some shreds of dignity, has prevented me from registering. That is, until I realized that formspring could be a fun thing for WTFWJD?.

So, here's WTFWJD?'s brand new formspring page. Feel free to ask any questions you'd like to ask (so long as they're remotely related to this blog). If you guys actually use it, I'll probably keep it going for the forseeable future. We'll see what happens. The Internet is weird.

Since God punished Haiti for making a deal with Satan, I guess it's cool if we jack their kids (also, I'm back)

Sup, guys? Are you still there? Will I still come up on your RSS feeds? DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?!?!?!

Turns out these days I have more free time than I did last semester. This is probably because I am taking a heavier course load and thus have more procrastinating to do. Anyway, I thought it'd be nice to loudly complain about an entire religion on the Internet again. It's good for the soul, you know.

While you'll likely find that I won't update this as often as I did when I was slacking at my desk job, I do think it's fair to say that I'll be updating with some regularity for the foreseeable future. Hope that's kosh with you guys.

So anyway, on to Haiti. I'm sure you all heard about what a phenomenal douchebag Pat Robertson is. If not, check this out:

But, as it turns out, the fundies have yet to finish exploiting this unspeakable tragedy for their own twisted purposes. See the following (from the Vancouver Sun):

Members of a U.S. Christian group face accusations of child trafficking in Haiti after being stopped at the Dominican Republic border with 33 children they said were orphaned in the Jan. 12 earthquake.

Five men and five women, members of the Baptist group New Life Children's Refuge, have been held since Friday in Port-au-Prince, Agence France-Presse reported Monday.

Haitian authorities said the Americans have no documents showing the children are orphans and no permission to take them away.

"We have information about people trying to steal kids to take them out of the country, which is the reason why the government has decided to reinforce security," AFP quoted Haitian Communications Minister Marie-Laurence Lassegue as saying.

Now, I realize that nobody's been convicted of anything (yet), but for the sake of argument, let's assume these allegations are true and that this organization really thought it was a good idea to kidnap Haitian children. Let's see what the Bible has to say on that subject, shall we?

Exodus 12:16 says:

Anyone who kidnaps another and either sells him or still has him when he is caught must be put to death.

I think you all know how I feel about putting people to death (in case you don't, I think it's bad). I think you also know how I feel about the bulk of the Old Law that appears in Exodus and Leviticus (also bad). But Baptists, i.e. literal interpretationists, i.e. fundamentalists believe in the verbatim truth of the Bible, and therefore they believe that it is wrong to kidnap. You know... unless you're saving heathen babies from a life of sin and bringing them to loving, Christian parents who will teach them the way of the Lord and make sure they don't turn out gay or something.

Wait... nope... still wrong. OOPS, New Life Children's Refuge! WTF would Jesus do?

WTF?

UPDATE:
Ephesians 6:10-18 says:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.
Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
raying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints

I think it's pretty obvious that reading passages like this to little children on a regular basis is the reason there are so many crazy Christians running around. Were I to read a bible passage to my children, I think it would be this (Matthew 5:3-17):

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

I know it's a bit on the preachy side, and I don't think the point of being a good person is to convince people that your idea of God is the best, but I'd rather read my kids something about letting their light shine than having to fight with the devil all the time. Srsly.