Obama's a Douche! Condoms Give You AIDS! I Want My Mom! Waaaaaa!!!!!

While scouring the Internet for the best, most offensive stories of Christans being douchebags, I came across a little gem from the Collins Report. Before we get in to it, however, I think we should address the question that's clearly on everyone's mind: what is the Collins Report? Well, gentle readers, you'll be glad to know that I have no idea. I tried to do some research to see if anyone had said anything about said Collins Report, but apparently it exists mainly in it's own little fishbowl, with some brief mentions from other neo-conservative blogs.

Here's what I do know:
1. It's written by some guy who calls himself "Coach."
2. He frequently calls Barney Frank a "pig" (kind of ironic, considering "Coach" used to be a cop).
3. He claims that "Obamacare" will lead to a "rationing of health care as is done in Canada."*

That's as far as I got before I felt as though I had learned enough. So, without further delay, from the Collins Report:

Democrats like to say “A fish rots from the head down.” Where are they now that Harry Knox, a militant homosexual advisor to Obama, has once again attacked the Catholic Church?

Knox, Obama’s Faith Based Advisor, has renewed his attack on Pope Benedict XVI charging he is trying to use the name of Jesus to hurt people by stating that condoms increase the spread of AIDS in Africa; as if they don’t.

Just another Gay activist willing to lie

To the pseudo religious Left condoms are a sacrament they’ll go to war to defend.
In the “oh so suave and sophisticated” world of Obama, and those he surrounds himself with, it’s not politically correct to ever challenge the effectiveness of condoms because they provide the type of hedonistic non-judgmental freedom that is at the very core of their lifestyle.

The “Beautiful people” will never admit it but condoms had a very serious failure rate of over 30% in a University of Texas report. The study was an examination of eleven independent surveys whose findings went beyond a mathematical failure rate to an explanation of why the failures happen.

Wow. All right, Coach. Let's have a chat about 'facts.'

FACT: "Gay" does not need to be capitalized.

FACT: The Pope is a douche.

FACT: You cannot construct a sentence.

FACT: Condoms protect against HIV.


Let's expand on that last fact, shall we? I mean, just because I have a blog doesn't mean I'm any kind of certifiable expert on anything. In fact, there are very few questions I can answer without doing some research. Luckily for my readers, however, I know how to find unbiased sources. With all that in mind, here's the official plain language summary of that study you cited (unless you're talking about another one done by University of Texas' branch of Campus Crusaide for Christ):

Sexual intercourse and contact with contaminated blood products (e.g., intravenous drug use) account for the majority of HIV infections. The wearing of condoms during sexual intercourse has been promoted to reduce the infection and spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as HIV. The review of studies found that condoms, when used consistently, substantially reduced HIV infection but did not totally eliminate the risk of infection.

As it turns out, Coach, condoms are about 85% effective in preventing the spread of HIV among heterosexual couples. If my calculations are correct, that makes them 85% more effective than unprotected sex, which is what Pope Nazipants told Africa to have (albeit monogomously, like that's realistic. Oh look! An entire continent full of monogomous people! How quaint!). Nope, the fact of the matter is that just because you don't want condoms to work doesn't mean they don't. They do. They're awesome. Sex is fun.

Exodus 20:16 says:

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

Psalm 5:6 says:

You destroy those who tell lies;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men
the LORD abhors.

Proverbs 24:28 says:

Do not testify against your neighbor without cause,
or use your lips to deceive.

1 Peter 3:10 says:

For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.

I think you get the picture. Lying is wrong. It says so in the Bible. You can check it if you don't believe me. WTFWJD?

*I lived in Canada for much of my life, and witnessed no rationing of healthcare. FYI.

Condemns

Holy shit I want these.

Did you miss me?

Hey everybody. Sorry for the week-long absence. I got really sick of only talking about the Catholics (most notably, the Pope), and was hoping I'd come across something else about which to bitch. Unfortunately, however, it seems Pope Nazipants is the only one pulling shit right now, so I'm just going to have to keep Catholic-bashing until some Baptists burn down an abortion clinic or something.

You may not have heard this, as it's barely been mentioned in the news*, but the Pope went to Africa. And while in Africa, he said this about AIDS: "You can't resolve it with the distribution of Condoms . . . . On the contrary, it increases the problem." Shocking, I know. Why this hasn't been in the news at all is beyond me.*

So yeah, that prompted all kinds of responses. The World Health Assembly was like "uh, no", the Mozambique Health Minister was like "uh, no", and pretty much the whole world was like "uh, no." So what's the deal? Catholic doctrine states that life actually begins pre-conception. And the hilarious part is that it begins as sperm. That's right, sperm.

Obviously, it'd have to be sperm, or Catholic women would be sitting shiva every month for their poor little uninseminated babies. That would just be ridiculous, and God knows the Catholic Church doesn't want to go around being ridiculous. So, it's wrong for boys to masturbate. It's wrong for girls to masturbate too, but that's because they're supposed to be sexless pod-people who no more deserve sexual urges than a place in the clergy. It's also wrong to use any kind of birth control, as sex is reserved specifically for procreation purposes.

What's particularly interesting, however, is that this is an idea that has lost favour with the Catholic Church for quite some time. It was, for a while, something that wasn't really talked about. Nazipants, however, being the unbelievable asshole that he is, likes to drum up outdated doctrine and present it as truth. Because he's an unbelievable asshole.

On issues such as these, I usually tend to come to the conclusion that I don't agree with the Pope, but he has a right, based on Catholic doctrine, to say these things. This time, however, it's different. He's not telling married couples in North America that they have to keep having babies until they can't have no more babies. No, he's telling a continent that has the most devastating AIDS problem on the planet that condoms will make it worse, which is a big fucking lie. What this amounts to, in my opinion, is murder. Nazipants presents himself as a "moral authority" and as such gets on his high fucking horse and says "Oh no! Don't kill the little spermies! They are God's children!" (Proving once again that the Catholic Church only gives a shit about you if you haven't been born yet.) The problem is people listen to him. There's already a stigma around using condoms in Africa. Apparently a lot of guys there see it as emasculating (because infecting everyone you fuck with, and slowly dying of a horrible disease is super macho). The last thing these people need is the goddamn stupid asshole pope telling them condoms suck.

It literally amounts to murder. By encouraging Africans not to take measures that are proven pretty effective in not spreading this horrible, deadly disease, Pope Nazipants is signing a death sentence for anyone stupid enough to listen to him. No, he's not actually killing these people himself, but it's pretty much the same thing. I'm sure there's something about this in the Bible. Oh yeah, Exodus 20:13 says:

Thou shalt not kill.

So yeah, some moral authority this pope has turned out to be. In the last few months alone he: re-communicated an antisimetic, anti-Vatican II asswhipe of a bishop (then made him apologise when people got pissed); promoted another bishop who thinks God goes around smiting people (then demoted him when people got pissed); allowed the doctors who provided a life-saving abortion to a 9-year-old girl to be excommunicated, along with her mother, while the man who raped her is still a member of the church (and hasn't had two words to say about it); and now he's basically said that condoms cause AIDS.

(From News24.com)

The Catholic church in Italy lashed out on Monday at what it called a "mockery" of Pope Benedict XVI for rejecting condoms as a weapon against Aids, comments that he made while on a visit to Africa.

"We will not accept the Pope being made the object of mockery and offence, in the media or elsewhere," said Angelo Bagnasco, the country's top bishop, citing the "controversy about condoms".

"He represents for everyone a moral authority, which this journey has made people appreciate even more," Bagnasco said.

Sorry Bagnasco, but Pope Nazipants the Dickth does NOT "represent for everyone a moral authority." He is a twisted, confused old man who values archaic dogma above human life, and in doing so has made a mockery not only of the Catholic Church, but of morality itself. He is an unrighteous man and an unworthy leader. And, as the papacy is a life sentence, I have to confess that I look forward to his death.

Nazipants, you horrible, horrible man, WTFWJD?

*Lest my sarcasm does not manifest itself well without snarky vocal inflection, I thought I'd clarify that I am being sarcastic.