Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Did you miss me?

Hey everybody. Sorry for the week-long absence. I got really sick of only talking about the Catholics (most notably, the Pope), and was hoping I'd come across something else about which to bitch. Unfortunately, however, it seems Pope Nazipants is the only one pulling shit right now, so I'm just going to have to keep Catholic-bashing until some Baptists burn down an abortion clinic or something.

You may not have heard this, as it's barely been mentioned in the news*, but the Pope went to Africa. And while in Africa, he said this about AIDS: "You can't resolve it with the distribution of Condoms . . . . On the contrary, it increases the problem." Shocking, I know. Why this hasn't been in the news at all is beyond me.*

So yeah, that prompted all kinds of responses. The World Health Assembly was like "uh, no", the Mozambique Health Minister was like "uh, no", and pretty much the whole world was like "uh, no." So what's the deal? Catholic doctrine states that life actually begins pre-conception. And the hilarious part is that it begins as sperm. That's right, sperm.



Obviously, it'd have to be sperm, or Catholic women would be sitting shiva every month for their poor little uninseminated babies. That would just be ridiculous, and God knows the Catholic Church doesn't want to go around being ridiculous. So, it's wrong for boys to masturbate. It's wrong for girls to masturbate too, but that's because they're supposed to be sexless pod-people who no more deserve sexual urges than a place in the clergy. It's also wrong to use any kind of birth control, as sex is reserved specifically for procreation purposes.

What's particularly interesting, however, is that this is an idea that has lost favour with the Catholic Church for quite some time. It was, for a while, something that wasn't really talked about. Nazipants, however, being the unbelievable asshole that he is, likes to drum up outdated doctrine and present it as truth. Because he's an unbelievable asshole.

On issues such as these, I usually tend to come to the conclusion that I don't agree with the Pope, but he has a right, based on Catholic doctrine, to say these things. This time, however, it's different. He's not telling married couples in North America that they have to keep having babies until they can't have no more babies. No, he's telling a continent that has the most devastating AIDS problem on the planet that condoms will make it worse, which is a big fucking lie. What this amounts to, in my opinion, is murder. Nazipants presents himself as a "moral authority" and as such gets on his high fucking horse and says "Oh no! Don't kill the little spermies! They are God's children!" (Proving once again that the Catholic Church only gives a shit about you if you haven't been born yet.) The problem is people listen to him. There's already a stigma around using condoms in Africa. Apparently a lot of guys there see it as emasculating (because infecting everyone you fuck with, and slowly dying of a horrible disease is super macho). The last thing these people need is the goddamn stupid asshole pope telling them condoms suck.

It literally amounts to murder. By encouraging Africans not to take measures that are proven pretty effective in not spreading this horrible, deadly disease, Pope Nazipants is signing a death sentence for anyone stupid enough to listen to him. No, he's not actually killing these people himself, but it's pretty much the same thing. I'm sure there's something about this in the Bible. Oh yeah, Exodus 20:13 says:
Thou shalt not kill.
So yeah, some moral authority this pope has turned out to be. In the last few months alone he: re-communicated an antisimetic, anti-Vatican II asswhipe of a bishop (then made him apologise when people got pissed); promoted another bishop who thinks God goes around smiting people (then demoted him when people got pissed); allowed the doctors who provided a life-saving abortion to a 9-year-old girl to be excommunicated, along with her mother, while the man who raped her is still a member of the church (and hasn't had two words to say about it); and now he's basically said that condoms cause AIDS.

(From News24.com)
The Catholic church in Italy lashed out on Monday at what it called a "mockery" of Pope Benedict XVI for rejecting condoms as a weapon against Aids, comments that he made while on a visit to Africa.

"We will not accept the Pope being made the object of mockery and offence, in the media or elsewhere," said Angelo Bagnasco, the country's top bishop, citing the "controversy about condoms".

"He represents for everyone a moral authority, which this journey has made people appreciate even more," Bagnasco said.

Sorry Bagnasco, but Pope Nazipants the Dickth does NOT "represent for everyone a moral authority." He is a twisted, confused old man who values archaic dogma above human life, and in doing so has made a mockery not only of the Catholic Church, but of morality itself. He is an unrighteous man and an unworthy leader. And, as the papacy is a life sentence, I have to confess that I look forward to his death.

Nazipants, you horrible, horrible man, WTFWJD?

*Lest my sarcasm does not manifest itself well without snarky vocal inflection, I thought I'd clarify that I am being sarcastic.

47 comments:

Hannah said...

I love how you say what I'm thinking. The Catholic Church better start evolving before it gets left behind. Good thing it's one of those churches that "believes in" Evolution.

You know, the most important Christian holiday is coming up in just a few weeks - is is so much to ask that Jesus appear in the Pope's bedroom and knock some sense into this guy.

Jocelyn said...

The Pope would probably shoot him.

Ksagstetter said...

You know what kills me? I know a guy who used to work for Ratzinger before he became pope. Apparently he used to feed all these stray cats behind the vatican, and was well-known for his kindness to animals. When he became pope he made special provisions so that his stray cats would continue to be fed. Now, I love cats, and thought this was charming when I heard it (before I knew much about him). But Jesus Christ, he cares more about stray cats than the pile of corpses in Africa piling up because of the AIDS pandemic.

Jocelyn said...

This reminds me of all those evil geniuses in all those movies who want to destroy the world but have cute little fluffy cats in their laps.

Katy said...

Bravo! I wrote about this a few days ago. Why the hell Catholics aren't fleeing the church like rats from a sinking ship is beyond me.

DJ said...

Apparently the Vatican covered the pope's ass and backtracked for him but my favorite line in the article was...

"It took the church hierarchy 359 years to stop continuing the line taken by their predecessors on Galileo. We hope that this error does not take so long to change.”

Jocelyn said...

DJ, I super need a link to that article!! :)

Anonymous said...

If that bishop does not want people to make a mockery of the pope then he should advise the pope to shut the fuck up.

Jocelyn said...

Srsly.

Anonymous said...

I gotta say, those of us who aren't Catholic have every right to make a mockery of the pope. We're not Catholic, so we don't have to follow Church doctrine. Oh but I forgot, Catholics (in general, I don't mean offense) think they're the ultimate authority on everything.

Jocelyn said...

To be fair, everybody (in general, I don't mean offense) thinks they're the ultimate authority on everything.

Anonymous said...

Yea, but not everyone tells you that you're going straight to hell if you don't do what they say.

Jocelyn said...

Catholics generally don't tend to do that. We were never taught in Catholic school that you had to be Catholic to get to heaven, only that you had to be a good person. The definition of what, exactly, constitutes a good person was pretty vague. Obviously, however, it did not mean being without sin.

That said, we were taught that sex is "a beautiful thing reserved for marriage", abortion is murder (that lesson came with some GRAPHIC imagery), homosexuality is wrong, masturbation is wrong, etc. etc.

I really do think that on a scale of one to the Westboro Baptist Church, Catholics are pretty OK. It's the Pope who I take serious issue with. By which I mean I hate him. Or, you know, I really, really don't like him a lot.

Ballerina Girl said...

Joc, please post something about this Notre Dame- Obama wank. It's just begging for your oh-so-precise touch.

http://www.usnews.com/blogs/god-and-country/2009/03/24/notre-dame-defends-obama-invitation-as-antiabortion-protests-mount.html

http://www.notredamescandal.com/

Hannah said...

What Catholic people think/do/tell other people do/etc. is pretty varied spectrum. Saying all Catholics think they're the ultimate authority on everything is a lot like saying all Asian people are good at Math or all blondes are dumb. I don't speak for any Catholic other than myself here, if I was the ultimate authority on anything why would need God in the first place?

maggie said...

I feel so scared for/of the Catholics (or any religious people) that blindly follows and never questions what they're told. Questioning authority is a good thing...and the Pope keeps proving that. It's also frightening to note that the people who are going to forego contraception and have lots of babies, well, they are going to teach their kids not to think for themselves.
Blah, this is just disturbing on so many levels.

Anonymous said...

I guess what I meant was that the Vatican thinks that it's the ultimate authority on everything. I really didn't mean to offend. I have friends who are Catholic and they are great people.

Oh, and I went to Catholic school too, and I was told that because I wasn't baptized, I can't go to Heaven. They told us that if you committed a sin you would go to Hell unless you confessed it, and since you're not allowed the to go to confession unless you're Catholic, by default anyone who isn't Catholic is going to Hell.

LiturgyGeek said...

Hannah, speaking as a pretty-much-non-Catholic (what does the church call it when you are baptized Catholic, raised UCC and Lutheran and become a UCC minister anyway?), thanks for the wise words that call us all back to reality.

LiturgyGeek said...

Oh, and Jocelyn, I really missed you. Get back to posting!

ESI said...

I posted about the crazy "sperm are people" thing on Slog the other day. It really is crazy though. And I thought they had to get over that when it became clear there were millions of sperm and it'd be pretty fucked up of God to kill millions of people everytime you had sex.

ESI said...

Also, I've heard this theory floated that the Vatican elected Pope Ratz to show all those people who thought the church was too liberal what crazy conservative Catholic looks like. And basically the hope is he's old, and he kicks it, and they can elect someone actually awesome the next time around. Of course, this is a theory I read somewhere on the internet, but I like it (except for the whole having to deal with Pope Ratz part).

Jocelyn said...

Ballerina Girl- nice pseudonym, and I'll get right on it.

Anonymous- this may depend on when and where you went to Catholic school. The widely, if not wholly accepted position of the Catholic Church is that those who are ignorant of the Gospel (this could mean ignorant of their meaning, not necessarily of their existence) but who live good lives have the potential to be saved. They do make it sound really pretentious when they say it though, even more than I just made it sound.

ESI- sperm people. Is that an episode of South Park? Also, that theory about Nazipants was what I assumed was the case when he was elected as well. The Vatican certainly is a house divided against itself, and has been for some time. Having a conservative asshole running around being an asshole when he's supposed to be a moral authority and not an asshole will, in the event of his (hopefully) impending death, have a very positive effect for the liberals within the Vatican.

...But that doesn't make this stupid asshole's stupid asshole bullshit OK.

Hannah said...

I am afraid of/for anyone who blindly follow without questioning - that's how we got stuck with GWB for 8 long tortuous years.

I grew up in a big ol' Catholic family (5 kids) and my parents never tough us not to think for ourselves in any regard. I don't know any Catholics who were raised that way. But I was educated by the Jesuits and that s big part of their philosophy - critical thinking I mean.

I hope ESI's story is true about Benny XVI (I've heard it too), cause this business sucks.

maggie said...

Hannah,
religion, politics...same thing. (shouldn't be but too often is.)
And I wasn't meaning anybody with a large Catholic family teach their kids not to think for themselves (not Catholic, but I have 5 siblings). It's those that don't use birth control because the pope told them not to, then thinks that everyone else should do the same. dangerous combination that one.

Hannah said...

Jocelyn, I forgot to say that I missed you!

Maggie, I didn't mean to pick on you. That is a criticism/assuption I have heard a lot about Catholics so I felt like responding. And I am not being defensive in any way - I'm just trying to share a contrasting viewpoint. And I agree with what you said about the birth control - even though I'm Catholic I live by the bumper sticker "Keep your rosaries of my ovaries".

There are a lot of people who believe the doctrine of the Catholic Church and follow it because they believe it not because the Pope (or anyone else...except maybe JC himself) told them to to.

Anonymous said...

For the record, I'm 21, so I attended Catholic school (just high school) from 2002-2006.

The problem with the whole "you can still go to heaven if you live a good life" thing, is that it still requires you to live a "good life" according to the Vatican's definition of a "good life." Which is probably very different from a lot of people's definitions of a good life. I think that I'm a good person, but I'm pretty sure that based on some of my actions and choices in life (for example, I'm an unwed mother), the Pope would tell me that I'm going straight to hell.

ESI said...

@Anon: I'm sure he would. However, I would posit that he is wrong wrong wrong, as so very many popes have been in the past. Which is why this whole "the pope is infallible" thing is so funny once you take a glance at the history of Catholicism.

Hannah said...

Anononymous, it isn't the Vatican's definition of "a good life" it's God's definition. When the end comes it won't Pope Benedict XVI separating the sheep from the goat - that's why he's never represented in all those paintings in European churches. I mean, if that's the way it ends at all.

The pope is not infallible, except when he's speaking ex cathedra - it's happened once since Vatican I.

Jocelyn said...

Seriously, dude is hyper-fallible.

DJ said...

Here's the link you wanted... :)

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article5934912.ece

Jocelyn said...

Thanks, DJ!

Man, what's the point in being an evil dictator if every time you say something douchy you have your people retract it?

Anonymous said...

I'm aware that God is the one who decides who goes where, if that's how it ends. My point was that Catholics (and by that I mean Catholic leaders) feel the need to tell everyone how they should live their life and if they don't live it a certain way, they're going to hell. The problem with this is that it's basically holding people who are uneducated or just plain gullible hostage by these meaningless rules.

Hannah said...

Telling people how to live their lives is what religions do. It's actually in the definition of the word.

Anonymous said...

The rules/beliefs/practices of the Jewish religion only apply to Jews, those of the Buddhist religion only apply to Buddhists, etc., etc., etc...

However, Christians in general, [but since this discussion is about Catholicism in particular I'll use them as my example] feel the need to tell everyone on the planet how they should live their lives. The Pope goes to Africa and tells the people there, who are generally poor and uneducated, that condoms will help to spread AIDS. And because the Pope is a powerful spiritual leader, he is generally respected, and those poor people will believe him.

This is just one example. Who do you think is stopping the legalization of gay marriage? Who is constantly trying to make abortion illegal? The only "arguments" that I hear against abortion and gay marriage come from the bible. I don't see why I should be forced to live my life a certain way because a bunch of people believe that a document that was written nearly 2000 years ago actually came down from the heavens as a fax from God.

My point is, the Pope needs to stick to preaching to Catholics. Christians in general need to stop trying to force their beliefs on others. This country was founded on the freedom of religion, and I really don't care that the people who founded this country were Christians. That doesn't mean that we all have to follow Christian beliefs. If we did, most of the people in this country would up and move to Canada, because even most Christians don't practice a lot of what they preach. Laws should not be based on what any religion has to say about something.

Hannah said...

The Pope was speaking to Catholics in Africa, where Catholicism is the largest growing religion. I don't presume to put words in your mouth Anon., but I think your issue is that religion and politics should not be mixed. I whole-heartedly agree with that. Catholics (the faithful, not the Vatican) in the US are supposed to vote their conscience, according to the US Conference of Bishops. To me it makes sense to appeal to voters to elect like minded leadership instead of ineffectually railing at the Pope. Their are a lot of Catholic people who are pissed off and are trying to change the church from the inside.

By the way, did you know that there are 26 Catholic US Senators and 17 of them are Democrats? The majority of them opposed Bush's marriage protection act.

Jocelyn said...

Well yeah, that's kind of the point of this blog. But, to be fair, it's not just the Christians who are pulling this shit. The Orthodox Jews have been just as vocal about their opposition to gay marriage as the Christian right, but it hasn't gotten as much press because, well, there are far fewer of them.

When the right-wingers say that America is a Christian nation, they do have a bit of a point. America is more Christian than anything else, but only a portion of Christian Americans subscribe to the kind of Christianity that is so loudly vocalized by people like Ted Haggard or, say, the Pope. Christians who feel the need to try to force their beliefs on others definitely do need to stop, but please don't feel like they represent a majority. I do not believe that they do.

You know, one of my favorite episodes of South Park is the daVinci Code spoof with the "Hare Club for Men" who protect the secret that St. Peter (the original pope) was actually a rabbit, and the line of the papacy was supposed to follow St. Peter Rabbit's bloodline. In the end, they finally get the rightful rabbit pope instated, and he's sitting there on the pope throne, and one of the cardinals says "So, your Holiness, what should the Catholic Church tell people about how to live their lives?" The rabbit, of course, just sits there, so the cardinal replies "Nothing?! Brilliant!" And the episode ends.

Jocelyn said...

Hannah, I started writing this before you posted and got distracted. Nice call on the senators. Let's refuse them all communion.

...j/k

Hannah said...

Aren't you sick of me, Jocelyn? Don't answer that! I'll have to check out that South Park, that sounds awesome.

Let's refuse everyone else communion. On second thought, let's not refuse anyone - I'm pretty sure that's not how JC would roll.

Jocelyn said...

Or we could just abolish communion and instead have "Civil Bread Sharing" for everybody.

Jocelyn said...

And no, I'm not sick of you. Your presence (combined with that of all the other commenters - to whom I refer as "my fans") makes me feel cool and popular.

Hannah said...

I can just imagine, once a week, everyone in the city lining up and passing some bread along the line. Kind of like Hands Across America. I like it.

I think your fans should have a title, maybe Jocelonians?

Jocelyn said...

I'm so glad nobody else is in my office right now, because I just started roaring with laughter at "Jocelonians" and it's really better if nobody knows about my blogging at work addiction.

Anonymous said...

I was not by any means trying to say that all Catholics or Christians act a certain way, and I do know that the people who try to shove their religion down everyone else's throat are in the minority.

I don't care if the US has more people who identify as Christian than any other religion. That does not make it a Christian nation. We do not have an official religion. Just because there are more Christians than Jews or Buddhists or Hindus or Muslims or Agnostics or Atheists, etc... doesn't mean that the rest of us should be forced to adopt Christian beliefs.

Jocelyn said...

Again, Anon, that's the point. I wouldn't have started this blog if I thought that people should go around forcing their beliefs on other people. I know that America does not have an official religion, nor should it. I believe strongly in freedom of (and from) religion.

Please try not to be so defensive. This blog is a place for debate. It's going to be easier to discuss these things if you don't take people's arguments personally.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't trying to be defensive, I just wanted to make sure I got my point across, because it seemed like everytime I got a response I didn't quite get there. That's all.

LiturgyGeek said...

"Civil Bread Sharing" is the greatest analogy I have ever heard. Sign me up as a Jocelonian!

Jocelyn said...

Anon - yes but you don't seem to understand what I'm trying to say either. For example, when I said the right-wingers had a point in calling America a Christian nation, I did not by any means advocate making the whole "Christian Nation" thing a government policy. I just meant that it's true that most Americans are Christian.

What's funny about that, actually, is that the right-wingers love to throw that statistic around when they want their crazy morality made law. But when it comes down to it, they think most other Christians aren't even Christian at all and have completely misunderstood the message of Christ and are going to Hell.

Which, of course, means that they aren't even Christian at all and have completely misunderstood the message of Christ. I don't believe in Hell though.

See what I did there?

Oh and LiturgyGeek - you are going to make my head way too big! :)

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