Monday, March 9, 2009

Top Ten Signs You Are An (Evangelical) FUNDAMENTALIST Christian

(From CHVNX)

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.


Hannah said...

Well sure, when you put it like that of course it sounds silly. ;)

Matt P said...

Can we look forward to this on Letterman soon? Because it's definitely worthy.

ESI said...

LOL. #2 reminds me of something I heard on Joan of Arcadia: "God always answers our prayers. Sometimes the answer is No."

Phoebe said...

Not to mention killing everyone on the planet but Noah's family that one time.

Anonymous said...

LMAO this made my day. Thank you

Joble said...


I heard that too, it's in a documentary by UK comedian Stewart Lee about the Blasphemy Laws, recomend y'all check it out:

When I was five we used to recite the Lord's prayer at the end of Assembly, and I always used to wonder, is God getting this all at the same time, or did he take one call and everyone else have to leave a message?

That led to dangerous speculation as to whether God's answering machine had a delete button, or worse, a maximum amount of space...

In the end, I decided only to pray for important things like bicycles and eventually getting laid. Turns out, my parents gave me a bicycle, and the getting laid thing just sort of happened at parties.

Thanks a million God, I promise not to bother you in future...

Jocelyn said...

I prayed and prayed for a new bike, but it wasn't God's will until like five years after I stopped praying for it.

Anonymous said...

Man-god made me giggle. I just sounds funny... but I'm also lacking sleep.

Ksagstetter said...

Joble--but didn't getting laid outside holy matrimony mean an eternity of damnation? As a recovering Evangelical, that one really fucked me in the head about sex for a long time...It somehow bothered me even more than the infanticide/genocide/gang rape (think Dinah) that was somehow okay in the OT.

caitisplain said...

As far as #4 goes, i'd just like to point out that the word "tolerant" is never in the Bible, and I would say, that as a Jesus-believing Christian, anyone who tells you that Christianity is a religion of tolerance is feeding you a line of crap.

God does not tolerate the things we think and say and do that are contrary to Him anymore then you would tolerate someone distorting your words, mauling beautiful things you created and murdering your children.

Jocelyn said...

Ah, now YOU sound like an evangelical Christian.

caitisplain said...

thank you.

Anonymous said...

Nice post Jocelyn, but a better name would be "Top Ten Signs You Are a Fundamentalist". There is a difference between a Fundamentalist and an Evangelical. Most Fundamentalists would happily enjoy being called an Evangelical, BUT most Evangelicals do not appreciate being called Fundamentalists. There are major significant differences between the two groups. The Fundamentalists subscribe to a subculture of anti-intellectualism, separationism and legalism. The Bible is read literally by Fundamentalists. Fundamentalists, like Dobson etc., are triumpalistic. They seek to take America over for Christ, with little thought for social justice, enviormental issues, etc. True Evangelists, now calling themselves Red Letter Christians, are about engaging the outside world on its own turf and have a social-justice agenda that supports equal rights for all people.

Kim in Portland

Jocelyn said...

Yeah, I know you're right, Kim. I just copied the title from the original post, and was concerned about posting it but did it anyway, because I figure my blog can't actually get any more offensive. Possibly I was wrong.

Although I am very uncomfortable with the concept of evangelism, it is the fundies I mostly take issue with. And, of course, the Catholics, though mostly because I expect more from them.

caitisplain said...

I would say that those are very extreme, extreme descriptions of fundamentalists and evangelists.

oh, and i thought i would also say that i am very much a fundamentalist too. :-)

Jocelyn said...

Are you really? That's fascinating. Does that mean you don't believe in evolution?

I'm not being sarcastic. I'm actually interested.

caitisplain said...

Yeah, I am really. :-)

I don't believe in evolution. at least, not macro evolution (evolving from one species to another). I do believe in micro evolution (adaptations within species).
My understanding of what the bible says is that God created the animals and they have always been the species we see today.

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